The Black Woman's Path to Emotional Healing
Written by Edisana Stephen
We see Black women everywhere we look. Strong Black ladies appear invincible from afar. They do whatever they set out to do. Whatever threatens to stop them only makes them stronger.
However, being a powerful Black woman isn't always simple. Every day, the world puts us to the test at work, at home, and on the street. We're taught to keep our heads up, wipe our tears away, and keep going when we're hurt, disappointed, or lost. We are pressured by society to be everything to everyone. We pour ourselves out all the time and rarely allow ourselves to receive the care we require.
We battle tooth and nail to establish our worth, yet it never seems to be enough. We've been taught to put on a mask and seem as if everything is fine, maintaining a cool demeanor as if we all have it together. We often take pride in the label of “The Strong Black Woman,” but this comes with worry and anxiety, which can lead to poor sleep and unhealthy habits like disregarding self-care. We are unable to express our true selves because of the strong Black lady façade. When all sorts of suffering are taken into account, it's difficult to find a Black woman who hasn't been through some form of trauma.
Long before I tried to comprehend the conditions that form other people's lives, I observed and analyzed what was going on in my own home.
I noticed early on that my mother was revealing a small part of herself to the outside world. She made it obvious that not everything was allowed to be openly expressed, and that emotions are complex – and often conflicting – at times.
As I grew older, I saw my family was broken and suggested to my mother that we go to therapy – a unique concept for a little Black girl living in Nigeria. I wanted to help us out. I wanted our family to be as normal as possible. Instead of talking about our troubles, I learnt to keep my emotions and sentiments to myself and act like everything was fine because talking about our problems to a stranger isn't something Black women normally do.
People who have never gone to therapy have no idea what to anticipate. Fear is usually the underlying emotion. It's scary to think about exposing the most vulnerable pieces of yourself to a stranger.
“If you have access to therapy, invest in it,” recommends Simone Maldonado. “If not, start to look at what's happening in your life and take inventory. See how your decisions could be different and what effect that could have on your life. You're the main character in your life.”
This feeling lasted for a while, but at one point, all of the emotions I had been suppressing finally surfaced. I now believe that repressing your feelings or difficulties will not make them go away.
Trauma is stored in our bodies and can show as aches and pains, unexplained symptoms, and other illnesses: "Psychosomatic symptoms from trauma are typical in Black women from other cultures — African, West Indian and Afro-Latina," said Dr. Wiyatta Fahnbulleh, a clinical psychologist. “Hypervigilance, anxiety, lack of trust, rage, overcompensation, insecurity or nervously attached relationships, fear of abandonment and perfectionism are all common traits associated with trauma."
"Trauma for Black women appears in a variety of ways, and because of the mood, cognitive and behavioral components, it might be misdiagnosed as bipolar disease or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)," she continues. It's easy to reject or underestimate symptoms such as head and body aches in those who have been through a lot.
We are so used to being powerful that we don't know how to be any other way.
"When I think of being called a strong Black woman, I feel empowered and disempowered at the same time," said Tina Hines. “Being empowered motivates you to take action and reach goals that perhaps can feel unattainable. I say disempowered because we cannot allow ourselves to be vulnerable when we need help or support when going through life challenges.”
Being a powerful Black woman has long been associated with Black femininity. This prototype has served as a guide for how to properly perform our race and gender identity for decades. A Strong Black Woman is a provider, caretaker, and homemaker, according to role expectations. Whether it's because she wants to or because it's expected of her.
Despite having few resources, she succeeds. She is capable of handling any situation on her own. She doesn't require assistance from anyone. She may develop a savior complex over time, believing she is the only one who can get things done correctly. This can lead to hypervigilance – continuously checking and managing ourselves – which can become exhausting and lead to fatigue.
“You hear women say that they have to be strong for their children or others, but who is strong for them when it's needed?"
The overly strong woman goes through life without acknowledging all of the feelings that come with being human. In today's culture, when systematic oppression, racism and gender discrimination are common, a vulnerable woman may be less equipped to deal.
Vulnerability, in the mind of a powerful Black woman, puts her at higher risk of being wounded or exploited, therefore she keeps her guard up. She has a hard time trusting others. She can't let go of control or share her most private thoughts with someone. Besides, she doesn't want to bother anyone else with her concerns because they're dealing with their own issues.
"We've been taught to do everything, which builds resilience but eliminates the ability to be vulnerable," said Maldonado. “Both strength and vulnerability can coexist, and I believe that some sectors of society are finally recognizing this and attempting to provide us with the room to do so.”
Various factors mold and reshape who we will eventually become as we grow from childhood to adulthood. The genetic makeup of our parents determines our genetic makeup. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxiety are examples of mental health issues that can be inherited or handed down to generations.
“Generational trauma has an impact on one's life since learnt behavior persists. If no one is aware that the behavior that leads to the traumatic experience is problematic, then the behavior will continue. We see individuals repeating the same cycle of behavior that they saw their parents and grandparents do without knowing how to break free from the behavior. It’s a never-ending cycle until someone learns and understands the source of the behavior," said Dr. Fahnbulleh.
Maldonado echoed this: “So many of us think that a lot of the decisions that we make are being made by only us. When, in fact, I believe our conditioning and habits make up a bulk of our decisions before we even make them. So many of our decisions are what we have been taught to decide, so this is why you see a lot of cyclical patterns and a lot of the same issues happening generation after generation in the same family.”
It's time for us to arm ourselves so that we can be our best selves. It's time to take action. It's time to fight the conditioned inclination to put our health on the back burner and openly prioritize self-care.
Self-care isn't self-indulgent: It requires us to accept both our strengths and vulnerabilities, and allow ourselves permission to be human rather than expecting to be Superwoman if we are to be the kind of Strong Black Women who thrive rather than just survive.
This entails removing our masks and revealing the beauty that is at the core of our being to the rest of the world. Let us begin today by allowing ourselves to be free to exist in a way that is not defined by others’ expectations.
Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen: The Emotional Lives of Black Women, a novel by Dr. Inger Burnett Zeigler, is about powerful Black women and the hidden sorrow that is inextricably linked to their power. It is a healing manual: this book demonstrates how to let go of the image of a strong Black woman and accept your true self.
According to Dr. Inger's book, the first step toward healing is to recognize the roots of your suffering and how that pain manifests in your life. Then, rather than denying your complicated experiences, you must accept them as they are, without shame or judgment, but with compassion.
Bring awareness to your triggers and feelings, and instead of reacting impulsively, respond mindfully. Even though chaos cyclones surround you, you are the only one responding to your emotions. Take a minute to consider what you have control over and what you don't, then work with what you do have control over to make gradual beneficial behavioral changes.
Edisana Stephen (she/her) is an independent freelance writer. Her work covering culture, travel, tech, food, health and wellness as it affects Black communities has appeared in Well+Good, Better to Speak, AZ Magazine, Black Ballad, and more. You can always find her online @edisanastephen on Twitter and Instagram.