We Need To Stop Shaming Young Black Girls Who Love To Talk
Written by Angel Nduka-Nwosu
There is a memory from my first secondary school that comes back like a recurring decimal in my mind's eye: It was the end of the year and per usual, academic and social awards were being given out, I was called up and given the award of “Chatterbox.”
The gift was a pack of biscuits that I loved eating then. Of course, I happily went up and took my award without feeling any shame on my end. Sincerely, I didn't care about how being labelled a chatterbox made me look.
Other people didn't think the same way though. After the party was over, I remember some people advising me to tone down my talking because being awarded chatterbox in the presence of the whole school was a subtle warning that I "talked too much". Again, I didn't care and kept on talking as I wished.
As I grew older, it dawned on me that in the history of that school, no boy had been given the award of "Chatterbox". It was often only girls who were given that award. Not just that, I realised in retrospect that the boys in my class and school were hardly shamed for being expressive.
When a boy spoke up or was bold enough to take initiative, he was praised as forward-thinking and smart for his generation.
In most Black and African households, silence and demureness from women are often praised and pushed as a requirement for respect and survival. But why is that?
Why is silence required from young Black girls who should be encouraged to speak up about any discomfort they feel? What or whose system is it threatening?
Why is it that young Black girls who take up space and are brave enough to use their voices to speak on issues like domestic violence, rape, and financial abuse are told they are not knowledgeable enough on the subject especially if they are unmarried?
Black communities in and out of the diaspora are often very religious and expect silence as a double-edged sword. However, in sexist communities, women cannot win in the long run.
The same people who insist that a woman must learn in silence and full submission, would enable a woman to speak especially if she is using that voice to encourage young girls to prioritise men as heads of families and automatic superiors.
It seems the requirement for silence only applies to issues that truly would mean long-term freedom for Black women and girls.
Another side effect of encouraging silence in young Black girls who love to talk is that it makes it hard for them to speak up about any abuse they may face. Black girls who have been shamed with words like “talkative,” “loud” and “bossy,” would assume that those same words will be used to discredit them should they speak about the leering eyes and hands of a church member or uncle.
If young Black girls grow up hearing that "loud" free-spirited women are "fast" and asking for the unwanted attention of rapists, this creates a subconscious belief in young Black girls that to avoid rape and assault then they must be quiet.
And that? That is far from the truth. Because abuse and rape have no face. A quiet woman is as likely as a louder woman to endure continual rape in silence.
If anything, I would say that women who are intentional and aware of the power of their voices may find it easier to get help because they are often not afraid to use that same voice to ask for help and state their discomfort.
The shaming of young Black girls who love to speak also translates to how they carry themselves in adulthood. It translates to their ability to actively be confident enough to advertise themselves and their businesses on social media and other parts of their career.
In a fastly digital world, it is often the woman who is aware of her voice and the power it carries, that can put her skills and create content that ensures that relevant people see her and recommend her for life-changing opportunities.
To shame young Black girls who love to speak is an intentional move by the patriarchy to ensure these girls grow into women who feel the urge to run and hide in public.
It is a move to ensure these girls are unwilling to own their hard work and the praise that comes with it. It is a move to ensure that these girls never aspire to be the best versions of themselves especially in the workplace.
It is a move to ensure that these girls grow into women who are afraid to be tagged angry Black women and so let incidences of workplace harassment slide even when there's help available. It is a move to ensure that these girls grow into women who are unaware that their voices can start revolutions.
It is a move to ensure that these girls grow into women who have no boundaries and sadly are the definition of low self-esteem.
Speaking with Praise, a writer, she told me that the bullying of her talking when she was a child has given rise to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as an adult.
"I grew up as a pastor's kid and I'm quite extroverted,” said Praise. “My father's church members didn't like that. They were always giving me a look or scolding me to keep shut. One time somebody even met my mum to tell her I talked too much to which my mum responded: 'She's an extrovert like her father, what do you expect?’"
"There were times I would try to be silent and not socialize, I'd be dying on the inside. It felt like something was wrong with me because I liked talking like there was something to be fixed and I didn't like it at all. Didn't know how much I hated it till someone said to me: 'You talk too much' as an adult and I almost lost it. Talk about PTSD."
The irony is that in Praise's life, she went on to say that when it was time for a presentation she was often the first to be called.
"Crazy thing is when they need somebody in church for a presentation, they are always looking for the talkative ones and that's when they'll find me, but after the presentation, they want me silent like I was too much. Because I talk a lot, I talk to everybody both male and female and I've been greatly slut-shamed for that.”
Aside from slut-shaming, young Black girls can also be on the receiving end of shame and parental irritation simply for exercising their right to their voices.
In the life of Love, a virtual assistant and writer, that has been the case.
"I always loved to talk, argue phenomenons surrounding different topics. My father was my enabler and still is. We would talk about any and everything and my mum would get irritated and angry. My love for the English language just made it worse, I loved to read and then talk for ages about what I have read. I also knew I'd thrive well in the art classes, but my school forced me to go to Science class, saying I was too intelligent and Art class was for the ‘olodos’ i.e. dumb people. The ‘I want to become a medical doctor’ sensation was the only thing that made sense to them for me."
"Adults around, like neighbours and parents of friends, will make me hold my lips for a very long time just so I don't talk or ask any questions. It wasn't funny. Over the years, I have learnt to curb it and only speak freely around my family and friends, one would think they should understand, but no. Although it's seemingly late, I am on the pathway to using my talking and writing to better my life and that of the universe. It can't be for nothing. I'm sure it's a gift that God wants me to use for good without being shamed."
As mentioned earlier, the shaming of Black girls who love to talk can also come from school teachers and that has been the experience of Naomi, a writer based in Port Harcourt, Nigeria.
When asked to give her experience growing up, she said she was punished in school for "talking too much.”
“Me and talking we've always had a wonky relationship. Naturally, I like to speak, I'm a talker but my anxiety also manifests in rambling. I used to get punished as little as in primary school for always rambling and causing a nuisance even though half the time I was just talking to myself. Even my parents. I'd be speaking to them and they either zone out or yell at me to shut up."
She went on to say: "It brewed feelings of insecurity inside me and now whenever I'm speaking to someone if they're not looking directly at me and nodding and actively using their body language, I feel anxious or stop speaking entirely and blame it on forgetfulness and my bad memory. When I eventually had a boyfriend and I thought I'd found my person, he would zone out a lot."
For screenwriter and feminist, Sally Kenneth Dadzie, her experiences with talking have influenced her career as a writer. But that did not come easy.
Talking with her, she explains that trying to air her views in a Christian setting as a teen often made her become labelled a rebel.
"I grew up in a religious home. My dad is a pastor. My mom, a typical pastor's wife. But I was a rebel. I saw the Christian faith differently and many times, I tried to voice out my thoughts.
Firstly, nobody had honest answers to my questions, and I had a lot of them. I was a quiet and reserved child, but I asked many questions. The answers I got were pretty much about telling me that I was too inquisitive for my age.
In my teen years, I was quite vocal with my opinions because I witnessed a lot of hypocrisy and lies in the church. But each time I spoke up or pointed out an injustice (like punishing women that got pregnant out of wedlock) I was always shut down."
She went on to say: "I was in the choir and I was suspended twice because I addressed older people who were out of line during our monthly meetings. Everyone was scared of them but I wasn't. Yet when I spoke, I was the bad one and everyone clamped down on me. I remember my mom begging me, each time we had those meetings, not to open my mouth. 'You know you talk too much and you don't sieve your words. You just say them anyhow.' Well, I didn't stop."
She concluded by saying: "But as I grew older and began to realise that people get stuck in their ways and rarely want change, I kept quiet. My aim for speaking up was always to change things, and since I couldn't, I felt there was no need. Plus, I was already branded a troublemaker. How did it make me feel? Isolated, alone. At one point, I felt like I was doing something bad by talking. So, I'll have long periods of detaching myself from people and not talking unless spoken to. Still, I wouldn't stay quiet whenever I felt the urge.
In adulthood, it kept me away from people as well. Thank God for social media. I can sound off as much as I want on my timeline. Yes, sometimes, I still feel like I'm talking too much but I'm old enough now to understand that I only speak on things I'm passionate about like feminism, social injustice, religious intolerance, etc. I've also learned that there are certain things I shouldn't bother about. The world would be fine if I don't have an opinion on them."
The side effects of shaming young Black girls who love to talk are incredibly astounding. When we shame Black girls for talking "too much,” we inevitably lose a wealth of knowledge on how to properly restore the dignity of Black people across the diaspora.
Not just that, we end up with women who are walking ghosts because they can't own the voice that should articulate the thoughts and expressions of their souls.
The only logical end is to encourage self-expression, respect for the thoughts of young children, and a redefinition of what lousiness means.
When that is done, young Black girls will embrace their voices and use their voices as a pathway to personal and career growth.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu (she/her) is a Nigerian writer, editor and journalist.